Never Gonna Boink Again

Full Lyrics

[Verse 1]  
Oh-whoa, oh-oh
I feel so unsure
As I take your hand and lead you through the bedroom door
As the passion dies, something in your eyes
Calls to mind the times we’ve tried, with no success, the passion’s died

[Chorus]  
I’m never gonna boink again
Damaged nerves ain’t got no feeling
Though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
I should have known better to monitor my P S A
And now my prostate and nerves are gone away
So I’m never gonna boink again
The way I boinked with you, oh

[Verse 2]  
Time only runs one way, we can't go back to early days,
When you whispered get-your-self-checked-out,
I should have gone right away, but I was full of doubt
I waited too long and now my prostate's gone
I hope no one else will share my regret, they should know getting checked is no big sweat

[Chorus]  
I’m never gonna boink again
Damaged nerves ain’t got no feeling
Though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
I should have known better to monitor my P S A (should have known better, yeah)
And now my prostate and nerves are gone away
So I’m never gonna boink again
The way I boinked with you, oh

[Bridge]  
It’s been so long since we’ve made love
Tonight, my heartbeat seems so loud
I wish my soldier would stand up proud!
Tried so many things, from push to shove
We’d hurt each other with the things we want to say
You’d say it doesn’t matter, but I’d see it in your eyes
That the measure of a man really depends on size
We could have rocked and rolled forever
But now, who’s gonna wanna roll with me?
Please, stay

[Final Chorus]  
And I’m never gonna boink again
Damaged nerves ain’t got no feeling
Though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
Lost my prostate and my nerves

I’ve tried the pump, I’ve tried the pills
All they’ve done is made me ill
I’ve tried and tried and tried again
To make it stiff for you, my best friend
Doctor claims it’s all in my head
But he doesn’t see what happens when we go to bed

Quit the smokes, cut back the booze
Pelvic floors till I’m black and blue
Tried injections, sharp in the night
Counseling talks to make it right

Manual strokes to keep the flow
But still the spark refuses to show
So I’m never gonna boink again
The way I boinked with you, oh

[Outro]  
(now that you’re gone) now that you’re gone
(now that you’re gone) I’ve relaxed and my happiness has sprung!
Please come back, baby, let’s have some fun...

Liner Notes

I wrote this song in a hospital room only hours after undergoing a robotic assisted laparoscopic prostatectomy (RALP). My PSA had been rising since 2023, the MRI in mid 2025 confirmed something was wrong, and the biopsy in October sealed the diagnosis. By the time surgery day arrived, I knew the road ahead wasn’t going to be quick or simple. What I also knew — even in those first raw hours — was that recovery after prostate cancer isn’t just physical. It’s emotional, intimate, and deeply personal. There’s grief in it, and fear, and frustration. There’s also humor, because sometimes humor is the only way to look something painful in the eye without flinching. This song came out of that moment: a way to process what had happened, what I’d lost, and what I still hoped to regain. I understood from the start that nerves heal slowly, that function doesn’t return overnight, and that I couldn’t expect too much too fast. Writing these lyrics helped me accept that reality instead of fighting it. Never Gonna Boink Again is a parody, yes — but it’s also a snapshot of a man trying to make peace with a new version of himself. It’s a reminder to others not to ignore early signs, not to delay getting checked, and not to assume “it won’t happen to me.” And it’s a way of saying that even when life takes a sharp turn, you can still find your voice, your humor, and your strength. If this song makes someone laugh, or think, or schedule a PSA test, then it’s done more than I ever expected when I scribbled the first lines from a hospital bed.

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